What hives have taught me.

There are at least 4 kinds of hives. Internally driven hives. The cause of this type is from hormonal changes like if someones thyroid is failing. Another type of hive is driven by outside allergies like the food we eat or the pollen in the air. The third type is called pressure hives. These are caused by a scratch on the skin or when some one changes their clothes.The 4th type is brought on by exercise.

 I have all four types of hives. They are with me all the time.They come and go as they please on me at any time. Most of the time they stay out of sight, popping up under my arm or on my back where no one sees them. But every so often a nice red hot patch will pop up on my face...as i am talking to someone I don't know that well and i can see them looking at it wondering what is wrong with me.

Its funny what you can get used to. About 6 years ago when these first started to plague me, they felt awful. Like a fire burning all over. Now, I am so used to them i can almost ignore them completely.Amazing how the body can dull it's sensitivity to pain. I can avoid them some what by not eating some foods but not always.But it does help to know how to avoid them and then treat them when they do pop up.

Anger, selfishness, hate, greed are all like the hives of our spiritual life. They pop up out of no where sometimes and cause us pain, regret and guilt. "If only i could just stop losing my temper." "If only I could get control over my mouth." "If only i could always put others needs first and not push my own to the front on the line." These are all "hives" that pop up in a Christian's life from time to time. 

What i have learned about these spiritual hives is that, just like the physical hives, they are only an outward sign of an inward problem. the cause of our spiritual hives is simple, it's sin. But simple does not always mean it easy to deal with. Sin comes at all of us in different forms. What gets my eyes off Jesus may not be the same for you. The answer is always sin, but we have to dig deeper to find out what our triggers are so we can come before God and ask him to take that from us. Change our heart so that the next time the temptation to sin in that way pops up we can avoid it with the help of Christ.

I know that if I eat corn I will get hives. Corn is a trigger. In the same way I know that if I don't start my day asking God to take my selfishness and trust him to do it than the first time that day something does not go my way I will get "set off" and the spiritual hives of anger, rudeness, strife you name it can start to "pop" out of me. What causes  fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from the evil desires that war with in you? James 4:1  YES, YES they do come from just that. And that is what I have to ask God every day, sometimes many times a day to renew my heart. Help me draw near to Him so that I don't become a stumbling block. I have to live with the physical hives in my live but the Lord says we do not have to put up with spiritual "hives" (sin). "Go, and sin no more." Jesus himself said that in John 11. If He said it He meant it. And the best news of all is that he also said "Come near to God and He will draw near to you.James 4:8. Good stuff! he also promised " I will never leave you nor forsake you. Deut 31:6.

I know that to live on these things. to have hope in these verses you first have to give your heart to the Lord, but once you do always ask him like King David did, Search me oh Lord, show me my faults. Clean my heart and make it new. 

I am Ellison's mom

Meeting new people is one of my favorite things. I love to learn their names,even if I don't always remember it. I love to hear where they came from. What they do for a living. I am always energized by people. If I was a super hero I guess my name might be "Super extrovert".
Part of the fun of meeting new people is the give and take of questions. There is one question that everyone will inevitably ask, "do you have kids?" and that is always followed by "how many do you have?" I love and hate this question every time its asked. The proper answer is of course, "I have two kids." That is the "right" answer. The one that makes everyone feel OK.. But what I really want to say, nay,what i want to yell is, "I have three beautiful kids. Adaline (10) Ellison (8 in earth years) and Benjamin (6)."
I love to talk about Ellison. To remember her. But it makes others feel awkward or put off. No one knows how to handle child loss. I think because they put themselves in your place for just a split second and they can't even think how they would deal with it so they don't know what to say.I always know they mean it when people say "I'm sorry"  but I never know where to go from there. I should just say "thank you" and move on but just because I have lived through child loss does not mean I know how to "handle it" either. Sometimes I am just as awkward as they are and make a joke.
I don't want people to be sad when they hear about Elli. The main reason I don't want people to be sad or make that "sympathy" face when they hear about Ellison is because even though I miss her every day and wish she could be here with me I am not sad. I am healed. I am set free.  I morn, but not in the same way as those that have no hope. (1 Thes. 4:13)
I will never get to fight with Elli to brush her hair. I will never know if she would have been a girly girl or a dragon loving tom boy like her older sister. I will never get to stop a fight between her and her little brother because, "MOM, he is bugging me again!!" But all of that is OK because I have hope. I have hope that the word of God is true and I will get to see my sweet girl and spend all of eternity with her. I have hope that I will get to know her soul deeper and far better than i ever could have here on earth. I have peace because I know she is well taken care of in the presence of God himself and He loves her far more than I ever could.
One of the reasons I want to talk about Ellison to others, to tell them her story, is to give that hope away to them. To show them that "with God all things really are possible."(matt. 9:26) That God can heal hearts, minds and spirits if we trust him to do so. None of us, not even one, has to live our life out of pain, rejection or misery. We can turn to our Father and ask, seek and knock and it says He will give us the peace we are looking for. Why live with pain from the past? Why go through a current storm alone and shaken when you don't have to? Cry to Jesus and he will hear you. He will give you peace. That does not mean everything will be sunshine and roses. I still have to walk the road of loss of one of my babies, but I walk that road with hope, peace and joy that i know do not come from with in me. Try Him. He is OK with you not understanding all of it. He is OK with your anger and pain. Just tell Him about it. talk to him. He already knows your heart anyway. Be real with Him but then, when you have spent all your words, let Him speak to you the truth. Let Him love on you. Let Him in.

Life on the rollercoaster

Some days i like being me and then there are those days that i can't even stand the sound of my own voice. Blame it on hormones, Eve, stress, bad food, what ever floats your boat but in the end it always come back to the fact that no matter how i "feel" i have the choice to sin or not to sin. That is the question. Sometimes, like tonight, when i am fed up with the day that the next person that is rude might not like what they get back. Funny thing about rudeness, Our ladies small group just did a study on it last week. it has been in the forefront of my mind all week, "don't repay evil for evil". But at the end of a day, when I'm tired, when i have heard enough rude or negative things this week i crack. I melt into a pity party of "why does it have to be so hard?". Sometimes this fight between the flesh and the spirit can feel like a roller coaster. Not the kind i like ether. the nasty kind. the kind that you cant see what will happen next. the kind of ride that you think will go right and then it swings left and upside down. One second i am calm and taking deep breaths and having a great day in the Lord and then all of a sudden my focus goes fuzzy and i lose it on my own kid or my husband or a friend.  I have hid the word in my heart. I know the right thing to do but sometimes i can be so thick, so slow to seek God and allow him to "take the wheel".  

2 Corinthians 12:9-119 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I love these verses so much. I want to see them lived out in my life. I want so badly to have someone that really knows me say "i see that you did not react the way i thought you would, i see God working in you." Some days i am like a little kid always looking to a parent to let me know I'm on the right track, I'm doing the right thing. Some days i have such a hard time letting His grace be sufficient." I guess this tale is more for me than anyone else. I am weak tonight. i need Him to make me strong. I have been allowing dumb worldly stress to block my view of His throne. I am Peter being vain enough to think i could walk on the water all by myself. "Lord i need you, oh i need you. Every Hour (second) i need you. my one defense, (against myself) my righteousness, oh God how i need you." 

When healing hurts.

Ask my husband and he will tell you that I am a bit accident prone. It's never anything major but lots, (and lots) of little boo boos all the time. I started out this summer with a bang by braking the big daddy toe of my left foot and ended our summer by putting a rusty nail through my right big daddy toe. Every kitchen counter, door knob, rug, hammer and even stair way is an opportunity in the making for my next wound. That being said I know a bit about healing. It takes a bit of time but it can also hurt. Ask anyone that has had to undergo physical therapy, there is a lot of pain involved in bringing that body part back to it's full use. I feel the same can be true in spiritual healing.
Spiritual healing and growth are what brings me the most joy in ministry. Nothing is more exciting than seeing someone that has struggled with pain and hurt be freed. The same goes for growth.
I cant tell you how many times my daughter has come to me and said "mom, my knees really hurt." or "my elbows are sore." As our bodies grow taller and mature is aches, nags and hurts. Growing pains are a normal way of life but I think we forget that fact as we grow into adulthood. We don't think healing or growth should hurt. we think the very words by definition should make us feel better but the truth is more often then not you can't have spiritual growth or healing without some pain. Often the pain comes in the form of having to admit that  we bear some sinful responsibility in that broken relationship with that parent, spouse or child. It is much easier to remain a victim to that relationship than to truly seek forgiveness for our part in any separation so that true healing can begin. Why? because it causes us pain and discomfort to humble ourselves before God and others.
Sometimes the pain comes in the form of the revelation that the very thing you detest most in others is one of your biggest flaws. That thing that your best friend does niggles at you the very most is in fact the very thing the Holy Spirit has been calling you to see in yourself and cut out. That is a very painful and again, humbling feeling to know we have judged, gossiped and eye rolled others about the very subject that your loved ones would use to define you. People often pay lip service to the topics of healing and growth. I mean have you ever heard anyone say "I really want to stay here in my pain and immaturity." No, you never hear that. What you do hear is a lot of "I really WISH I could move on from such and such that happened 20 years ago." or "I WISH I knew the bible as well as so and so." But our actions speak much louder than our words. We give more time to our pleasures than we go to growth. We wallow in self pity over the pain of the past  and use that as a way to cling to our sinful flaws. I know all this well because I too have done and I'm sure will do these kinds of behaviors again. It's not so much that we "do" this but how we react to it when it's pointed out to us. King David shows us a great way to get past this kind of cycle in the Psalms. He often starts his prayers with "search me o Lord, show me who I really am. Lay bear before me the sin that causes you and I both pain." What if we all started to pray that way? What if we all started to give grace to others in their flaws because we know the Lord is working out the same thing in us? What if we all learned how to really heal for good? What would we look like if we gave up our "crutches" that keep us from true spiritual healing and growth? I know for a fact that is what I want. there is a line from a popular Christian song that has been haunting my thoughts so much as of late that it has become my prayer. it goes "I don't want a flame I want a fire." I want to be made whole. I want to be a mature Christian. Even if it hurts.