Take a seat. Satan will be with you in a moment.

There is a huge, overstuffed, comfy lazy boy. It has every thing that a person could ever want. built in personal t.v. with all the channels. A cooler to hold all the beer or pop one could drink. A mini fridge full of unhealthily snacks. Internet access so one can "stay close" to friends and family from the comfort of this chair. Everything anyone could ever want. It screams at you "sit here and all your needs will be met". So what could be wrong with this. Seems too good to be true, Because it is. This amazing place to sit and "take your rest" is on a train track. We can all hear the still small whistle of the fast moving multi ton train coming but we never know when it will really get to us so we sit and enjoy. "I will have plenty of time to get out of it's way".
Imagine you are standing off to the side of this railway. You see a man walk up to this chair. You can hear the train but this man seems not to. He looks at the seat from all angles and then you see him sit, take out a drink and start flipping through the channels. He is so into the show that he seems not to notice the train has just rounded the corrner up ahead of him and is now barreling down the track at full speed right for him. There you are, seeing this, feeling it in the pit of your stomach, what do you do? Run, scream to him. Shake him. try to make this man do your will. "Get out of the way". "You are going to get killed".But in the end this man is too big for you to move on your own.The chair has so become a part of the man that they are almost one. the only way he can be saved is if he sees the danger and wants to run from it himself.The chair is sin!
Everyday this is how i feel. I walk my dogs around my sub. I see so many friendly faces of people I know. "Good people". They are not out killing or plotting evil, yet they are the god of their own life. They dont need or want the one true God in their life.  they seem so content to just sit there in that chair and wait for the train. i want to shake them, pull them out but i already know they need to feel the pull from the Lord and want it for themselves. My heart brakes for all these people that are lost. I have them as neighbors, some in my family, even some that sit in our church week after week. People that may or may not know the truth and are doomed. I Love the free will God blesses us with until it means i have to watch people i know and love self destruct and for what? The love of money, fame, sex, "a good time". A fear of giving up a selfish way of life.  Fear of not being their own god!
This post is my own personal Psalm to God. David wrote his heart to God and God loved him for it. his open communication with Him. so here i go.
Lord, I seek you for the souls of these people. I want to see you move. I want to be used to do your work. Here i am Lord, use me. Please soften the hearts of the men of this age. Please call them unto you. You say in your word the the fields are ripe, make me a useful worker to harvest the fields. I am tired of talking about you with other Christians. I want real chances to share you with those that need to hear it most. those that are ready to change and live for you. Your will is that none should parish. Give me boldness rooted in love to be your worker in saving the lost. Safe guard my heart against becoming jaded or bitter. Move on the hearts of your people to cause them to have a new fire for your work. Thank you for saving me, now use my feeble hands, feet and mouth to aid in saving others. May your will be done on this earth as it is in heaven. Amen!

The 3 most powerful words in the world.

I was reminded last night that you can do all the right things and a situation still might not work out the way you had hoped. Some times in life there will be conflict. Sometimes you will be the cause of it and sometimes you will be "target" of it. Either way miscommunication, selfishness and harsh words will be spoken.
I used to think there was power in always being right. Being fast and clever with words. The one that could outsmart the other had the control. the one that could confuse their appoint and shut them down wins and therefor has the power. Then I met Jesus. Over the last 20 years of my life he has been showing me where the true power lies. I have been slow to get it.

"Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth"(Matt. 5:5)Wow! the whole earth, really? how can that happen? How in the world could a bunch of meek people get any thing real done? My pastor once gave the definition of meekness as "power under control". Whoa! I have pondered and thought on that from the time I 1st heard it. Being meek, as our Lord Jesus was, does not mean we are tossed from stem to Stern in life. It mean the exact opposite. Those who learn to gain self control of their mouth have true power, wisdom. And what happens when a meek person does mess up or say the wrong thing? The three most powerful words in all the world, words that could stop wars, heal marriages, refresh friendships..."I am sorry".
I am sorry is not just healing for the one hearing it. It heals the one saying it. We are told by Jesus to abide in Him. The only way to abide in Him is to stay humble, to strive against the selfish flesh that wants it's own way and put others first. That is what "I am sorry" does. To say those three words is to take responsibility for what you have done and then want to correct it.
If you say those three words the hearer may not always receive it. We have to be OK with that. we can not control how the other person takes your "meekness", but there is still power in the words. they heal the wrong you have done before God so that you can have right relationship with Him. That is pretty powerful for three little words. " The power of life and death is in the tongue" (prvb:18:21) Your eternal life and death. that is a big deal.  
I want to be meek. Not because i want power or to inherit the earth, but because it is a much more peaceful way to live. The Lord has been teaching me that I can " always be right" as long as the "rightness" i am striving for is right standing before God. Winning a war of  words against a loved one or hurting your witness out in the world are not power. Healing...being humble and saying I am sorry. Now that is divine power!

I just found out i am dying!!

 I find it interesting that if a Dr. tells a person "you are dying" that person feels compelled to "get their life in order" and find what really matters. The reason i think its interesting is because we are all dying. We never know when it will come, yet so many of us wait to do the kinds of things that we feel are wroth while.I'm not talking about buying fast cars or taking that dream trip. We can't go about using up our life savings in case we have a life to save it for. But what i am talking about is the heart issues that we all let go for far too long. Calling a Grandma to just say i love you even if you might be on the phone for over an hour, so what. Telling that co working that you are rude to that you are sorry. writing your estranged father to say you forgive him.
Some people when finding out they are dying rush off to find a pastor. They suddenly feel the need to let God in. To ask him for help. To get their heart "right and clean". To get their "fire insurance" if you will. I have no problem with any of that. I think hearing someone tell you that your time is short can be a huge motivator to come into a real and deeper relationship with friends and family and the God that made them. My issue is why do so many wait? Every day we have here on earth is a gift. a chance to be used for God's glory. A chance to speak truth to others in love and help change hearts. Yet so many of us sell out this real meaningful life. this deep purpose that all of us feel but some suppress so that they can run after selfish goals that only leave us feeling dull and empty. I want to live a life of passion. I don't want to drag myself through my week just to get to Friday. i don't want to waste one second of time that i get to draw breath. I AM DYING!! from the very moment i came into this world my body started its spin towards it's end. Is that a dark thought? I don't think it is. It brings me peace of mind knowing that i was put here for "such a time as this" God wanted me, not anyone, but lil' old me to live where i do. be mom to who i am, wife to the man i married. Every morning is a chance to ask for God's power, to walk with him and do something amazing. I bet Jesus did some miracles on a Monday. That day may have started out blah and ordinary for the one He healed or helped but thank God Jesus did not think big stuff should only happen at the end of life or on the weekend. to be his hands and feet we need to have the mind of Christ. He was always looking, seeking and finding those in need of His healing and we should be doing the same. So if hearing it is motivation, let me help..."YOU ARE DYING!!" Now,go and make disciples like you believe it. Because it's the truth. make the most of your time here. I

What hives have taught me.

There are at least 4 kinds of hives. Internally driven hives. The cause of this type is from hormonal changes like if someones thyroid is failing. Another type of hive is driven by outside allergies like the food we eat or the pollen in the air. The third type is called pressure hives. These are caused by a scratch on the skin or when some one changes their clothes.The 4th type is brought on by exercise.

 I have all four types of hives. They are with me all the time.They come and go as they please on me at any time. Most of the time they stay out of sight, popping up under my arm or on my back where no one sees them. But every so often a nice red hot patch will pop up on my face...as i am talking to someone I don't know that well and i can see them looking at it wondering what is wrong with me.

Its funny what you can get used to. About 6 years ago when these first started to plague me, they felt awful. Like a fire burning all over. Now, I am so used to them i can almost ignore them completely.Amazing how the body can dull it's sensitivity to pain. I can avoid them some what by not eating some foods but not always.But it does help to know how to avoid them and then treat them when they do pop up.

Anger, selfishness, hate, greed are all like the hives of our spiritual life. They pop up out of no where sometimes and cause us pain, regret and guilt. "If only i could just stop losing my temper." "If only I could get control over my mouth." "If only i could always put others needs first and not push my own to the front on the line." These are all "hives" that pop up in a Christian's life from time to time. 

What i have learned about these spiritual hives is that, just like the physical hives, they are only an outward sign of an inward problem. the cause of our spiritual hives is simple, it's sin. But simple does not always mean it easy to deal with. Sin comes at all of us in different forms. What gets my eyes off Jesus may not be the same for you. The answer is always sin, but we have to dig deeper to find out what our triggers are so we can come before God and ask him to take that from us. Change our heart so that the next time the temptation to sin in that way pops up we can avoid it with the help of Christ.

I know that if I eat corn I will get hives. Corn is a trigger. In the same way I know that if I don't start my day asking God to take my selfishness and trust him to do it than the first time that day something does not go my way I will get "set off" and the spiritual hives of anger, rudeness, strife you name it can start to "pop" out of me. What causes  fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from the evil desires that war with in you? James 4:1  YES, YES they do come from just that. And that is what I have to ask God every day, sometimes many times a day to renew my heart. Help me draw near to Him so that I don't become a stumbling block. I have to live with the physical hives in my live but the Lord says we do not have to put up with spiritual "hives" (sin). "Go, and sin no more." Jesus himself said that in John 11. If He said it He meant it. And the best news of all is that he also said "Come near to God and He will draw near to you.James 4:8. Good stuff! he also promised " I will never leave you nor forsake you. Deut 31:6.

I know that to live on these things. to have hope in these verses you first have to give your heart to the Lord, but once you do always ask him like King David did, Search me oh Lord, show me my faults. Clean my heart and make it new. 

I am Ellison's mom

Meeting new people is one of my favorite things. I love to learn their names,even if I don't always remember it. I love to hear where they came from. What they do for a living. I am always energized by people. If I was a super hero I guess my name might be "Super extrovert".
Part of the fun of meeting new people is the give and take of questions. There is one question that everyone will inevitably ask, "do you have kids?" and that is always followed by "how many do you have?" I love and hate this question every time its asked. The proper answer is of course, "I have two kids." That is the "right" answer. The one that makes everyone feel OK.. But what I really want to say, nay,what i want to yell is, "I have three beautiful kids. Adaline (10) Ellison (8 in earth years) and Benjamin (6)."
I love to talk about Ellison. To remember her. But it makes others feel awkward or put off. No one knows how to handle child loss. I think because they put themselves in your place for just a split second and they can't even think how they would deal with it so they don't know what to say.I always know they mean it when people say "I'm sorry"  but I never know where to go from there. I should just say "thank you" and move on but just because I have lived through child loss does not mean I know how to "handle it" either. Sometimes I am just as awkward as they are and make a joke.
I don't want people to be sad when they hear about Elli. The main reason I don't want people to be sad or make that "sympathy" face when they hear about Ellison is because even though I miss her every day and wish she could be here with me I am not sad. I am healed. I am set free.  I morn, but not in the same way as those that have no hope. (1 Thes. 4:13)
I will never get to fight with Elli to brush her hair. I will never know if she would have been a girly girl or a dragon loving tom boy like her older sister. I will never get to stop a fight between her and her little brother because, "MOM, he is bugging me again!!" But all of that is OK because I have hope. I have hope that the word of God is true and I will get to see my sweet girl and spend all of eternity with her. I have hope that I will get to know her soul deeper and far better than i ever could have here on earth. I have peace because I know she is well taken care of in the presence of God himself and He loves her far more than I ever could.
One of the reasons I want to talk about Ellison to others, to tell them her story, is to give that hope away to them. To show them that "with God all things really are possible."(matt. 9:26) That God can heal hearts, minds and spirits if we trust him to do so. None of us, not even one, has to live our life out of pain, rejection or misery. We can turn to our Father and ask, seek and knock and it says He will give us the peace we are looking for. Why live with pain from the past? Why go through a current storm alone and shaken when you don't have to? Cry to Jesus and he will hear you. He will give you peace. That does not mean everything will be sunshine and roses. I still have to walk the road of loss of one of my babies, but I walk that road with hope, peace and joy that i know do not come from with in me. Try Him. He is OK with you not understanding all of it. He is OK with your anger and pain. Just tell Him about it. talk to him. He already knows your heart anyway. Be real with Him but then, when you have spent all your words, let Him speak to you the truth. Let Him love on you. Let Him in.

Life on the rollercoaster

Some days i like being me and then there are those days that i can't even stand the sound of my own voice. Blame it on hormones, Eve, stress, bad food, what ever floats your boat but in the end it always come back to the fact that no matter how i "feel" i have the choice to sin or not to sin. That is the question. Sometimes, like tonight, when i am fed up with the day that the next person that is rude might not like what they get back. Funny thing about rudeness, Our ladies small group just did a study on it last week. it has been in the forefront of my mind all week, "don't repay evil for evil". But at the end of a day, when I'm tired, when i have heard enough rude or negative things this week i crack. I melt into a pity party of "why does it have to be so hard?". Sometimes this fight between the flesh and the spirit can feel like a roller coaster. Not the kind i like ether. the nasty kind. the kind that you cant see what will happen next. the kind of ride that you think will go right and then it swings left and upside down. One second i am calm and taking deep breaths and having a great day in the Lord and then all of a sudden my focus goes fuzzy and i lose it on my own kid or my husband or a friend.  I have hid the word in my heart. I know the right thing to do but sometimes i can be so thick, so slow to seek God and allow him to "take the wheel".  

2 Corinthians 12:9-119 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I love these verses so much. I want to see them lived out in my life. I want so badly to have someone that really knows me say "i see that you did not react the way i thought you would, i see God working in you." Some days i am like a little kid always looking to a parent to let me know I'm on the right track, I'm doing the right thing. Some days i have such a hard time letting His grace be sufficient." I guess this tale is more for me than anyone else. I am weak tonight. i need Him to make me strong. I have been allowing dumb worldly stress to block my view of His throne. I am Peter being vain enough to think i could walk on the water all by myself. "Lord i need you, oh i need you. Every Hour (second) i need you. my one defense, (against myself) my righteousness, oh God how i need you." 

When healing hurts.

Ask my husband and he will tell you that I am a bit accident prone. It's never anything major but lots, (and lots) of little boo boos all the time. I started out this summer with a bang by braking the big daddy toe of my left foot and ended our summer by putting a rusty nail through my right big daddy toe. Every kitchen counter, door knob, rug, hammer and even stair way is an opportunity in the making for my next wound. That being said I know a bit about healing. It takes a bit of time but it can also hurt. Ask anyone that has had to undergo physical therapy, there is a lot of pain involved in bringing that body part back to it's full use. I feel the same can be true in spiritual healing.
Spiritual healing and growth are what brings me the most joy in ministry. Nothing is more exciting than seeing someone that has struggled with pain and hurt be freed. The same goes for growth.
I cant tell you how many times my daughter has come to me and said "mom, my knees really hurt." or "my elbows are sore." As our bodies grow taller and mature is aches, nags and hurts. Growing pains are a normal way of life but I think we forget that fact as we grow into adulthood. We don't think healing or growth should hurt. we think the very words by definition should make us feel better but the truth is more often then not you can't have spiritual growth or healing without some pain. Often the pain comes in the form of having to admit that  we bear some sinful responsibility in that broken relationship with that parent, spouse or child. It is much easier to remain a victim to that relationship than to truly seek forgiveness for our part in any separation so that true healing can begin. Why? because it causes us pain and discomfort to humble ourselves before God and others.
Sometimes the pain comes in the form of the revelation that the very thing you detest most in others is one of your biggest flaws. That thing that your best friend does niggles at you the very most is in fact the very thing the Holy Spirit has been calling you to see in yourself and cut out. That is a very painful and again, humbling feeling to know we have judged, gossiped and eye rolled others about the very subject that your loved ones would use to define you. People often pay lip service to the topics of healing and growth. I mean have you ever heard anyone say "I really want to stay here in my pain and immaturity." No, you never hear that. What you do hear is a lot of "I really WISH I could move on from such and such that happened 20 years ago." or "I WISH I knew the bible as well as so and so." But our actions speak much louder than our words. We give more time to our pleasures than we go to growth. We wallow in self pity over the pain of the past  and use that as a way to cling to our sinful flaws. I know all this well because I too have done and I'm sure will do these kinds of behaviors again. It's not so much that we "do" this but how we react to it when it's pointed out to us. King David shows us a great way to get past this kind of cycle in the Psalms. He often starts his prayers with "search me o Lord, show me who I really am. Lay bear before me the sin that causes you and I both pain." What if we all started to pray that way? What if we all started to give grace to others in their flaws because we know the Lord is working out the same thing in us? What if we all learned how to really heal for good? What would we look like if we gave up our "crutches" that keep us from true spiritual healing and growth? I know for a fact that is what I want. there is a line from a popular Christian song that has been haunting my thoughts so much as of late that it has become my prayer. it goes "I don't want a flame I want a fire." I want to be made whole. I want to be a mature Christian. Even if it hurts.